Cvetanova's Blog (10)

Years ago while stadied, I collapsed on my first visit in the operating room, but I stood still in the mortuary. I guess it sounds cynically. Then I spent 15 years working in a Surgical ward, facing life and death every single day. I still do. A woman with a mental disease ignited herself - died 72 hours after; 11 years old boy with a bowels cancer - teaching his mother how to pray - died 40 days after the opperation; a 26 years old pregnant woman with a first baby - came with mild contraction… Continue

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All my life I feel like an alien amongst the others. I was scared of it, I pushed myself to change, I made tens (maybe hundreds, thousands compromises) with myself, I still do it and it's not only a statement, I still judge myself about it. But I can't help it... I never used to like talking let say e.g. about a fashion, gossiping, kniting, make up, trying to copy film stars, etc ;so I couldn't feel comfortable amongst female's company. I used to feel extremely uncomfortable in male's company b… Continue

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself live within sociaty's boundary and accept it as the only possible place to live in. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frightened of the emptiness, developed for the last 8 years inside. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself suffering from this emptiness ,insted to be happy I managed not to replace the peace within me with some usesless desires. I forgive myself that I have accepted and… Continue

Work, bath, bed...work, bath, bed...work, bath, bed...to a state to become a robot. How many and what great constant efforts I have done to assist the programme to keep this robot active. Copying all the rest of the robots - being a small 'person', having a 'small' partner, living in a small 'safe home' with small thoughts, yet with great desires, dreams and hopes... Yeah - bunch of craps, as a friend of mine said ones to me. Shame on me! But to be honest, it's not the shame, but the pain in m… Continue

http://www.imeem.com/iacbabe/music/cFIRMgbw/shalimar-sector-garden-of-lust/ Continue

It's Saturday. I'm alone. I've prepared a meal, spent an hour and little bit more, set it up nicely on the table and got a glass of wine. No TV, no PC, no music. Twilight and silance... and me...and 'ME'. Hm...feels crowdy. I can lock the door, isolate myself amongst the walls, but a presence is there, I can not get rid of it. It is in me, it is ME!!! I have no power enough to ignore it or isolate from it...yet. It's a vicious circle. And it is difficult to break its line... I forgive myself t… Continue

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be a victim. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to love myself. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to love myself unconditionally. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to accept me for who I am. I forgive myself that I have not considered myself important. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to consider myself not worthy. I forgive myself that I have been afraid.I forgive myself that I have let the… Continue

http://www.imeem.com/people/_JToB2q/music/AhsndAnT/yiddu_delhi_tender_touch/ http://www.imeem.com/people/0sKVFy9/music/c5kaZJCC/mastermind_wanna_give_you_shelter/ http://www.imeem.com/rainer58/music/Y9dvVzPG/jason_tyrello_what_the_memories_say_sunfade_mix/ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nB5akMXV9hM&feature=PlayList&p=207B7E3A51C3EC12&index=3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TukAPkmiko http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1nTEN9FVw4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zim3PT1VNU8 Continue

21/02/2009 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend decades creating a person, I am not. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to live up to other's expectations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape from the resposnsibility to be my real-self. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store moments as memories and believe them to be real, valuable and important. I forgive myself that I have a… Continue