´I AM´? - In SPITE of Life

[Bella B.]

IN SPITE OF LIFE
(or: ARE WE HUMANS STUPID?)


it seems that us humans are not only spiteful but also stupid.

i have observed an interesting cycle:
day and night and how i experience myself.
night comes, spite/spitefulness ´subsides´ and i feel i can let go, be creative, work, relax.
day comes, i get anxious, spite/spitefulness ´comes in´ and i am ´preoccupied´in my mind.

i am sure everyone has experienced nights where you just wanna go to bed, you´ve had enough, it´s like ´i want to sleep and leave it all behind´. and nights where you are awake, alert, present, creative.

what is going on?


and what is the anxiety/stress during the day indicating?

for me the anxiety and spitefulness during the day is connected to how i perceive myself, how i compare myself (to others and to projections of myself in my mind in terms of past/future), how i experience myself, how i react to that experience of myself, how i judge myself, how i define myself, how i polarize myself.

then the day is about: ok am i good enough? am i effective enough? am i this or that? should i be doing this or should i be doing that? why do others feel better? or: why don´t others feel as good as i do? did i do something wrong? I TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY. we take things personally only because in our own little mind-´reality´ what we experience, what we think, what we perceive, what we feel -is apparently so important.
then a whole day can revolve around how i experience myself - instead of realizing that i am giving my power away to thoughts, emotions, experience/feeling, when all the while i could be Here participating DIRECTLY in every moment of breath.
(see also posts under "experience living and principled living)




a new day is like a new life. seriously: we don´t´remember where we´ve been while sleeping. we don´t remember everything we did, thought or said while sleeping. we don´t even remember the moment we fell asleep most of the times. we don´t breathe, the body breathes. we don´t exactly know where we´ve been. sleep is like death.
this ´proves´ to us humans what the dimensional research has reported after the deception in the dimensions revealed and the soul-construct/akashic records was seen and understood for what it was: all our ´past lives´ were more or less the same. we have been existing like this for eons of time. if that´s quite a stretch for you -forget it; look at what you have here: your days and your nights.

we wake up in the mornings after a night ´god knows where´ and we ´re-member´ who we are. we (re)define ourselves according to yesterday, according to the past, we have a persona to present to the world, this is who i am. even those living alone/for themselves, there is a persona to exist as, to every morning ´build up´ (through conditioned/repeated thoughts, words, actions), a persona to ´maintain´ during the day, to ´not disappoint´ oneself or one´s world. we´ve learned to defend=justify our persona(s) in many different ways -our days are a struggle, we are busy surviving. this survival mode refers to even the richest -it is the survival of the ego, ´the one´.

during this daily struggle, spitefulness spews forth from our eyes, our mouths, our bodies, our beingness -and if you observe this reality in self-honesty: you will find spitefulness even in the apparently ´holy´ ones.

we have become the victims of our own spitefulness. day in day out we deplete ourselves of the life force that we are. we give our attention, our ´energy´ to judgment. every day is judgment day and we are found wanting.


then night comes and we´ve had enough of our spit(e), we go to bed, to get away from it all. this act of self-defeat only fuels the seething spitefulness within.
or we are apparently ´satisfied´ that we made another day, we were able to ´maintain our position´, we justified our existence successfully, we can now reward ourselves with a good night´s sleep.
or we see the ridiculousness of that which we´ve been participating in within our heads and holding onto during the day -and we simply let go, we stop for a moment. then we suddenly ´find´ we are not tired anymore, we feel awake, we feel the life force within us as us wanting to actually move, actually express, actually live.

why stop only for a moment?

why do we wake up next morning only to repeat the same cycle again -the same thoughts, the same fears, the same anger, the same spitefulness?
and if it´s not the next morning, it´ll be the day after that, or a week later. the same thoughts, the same fears, the same anger. the same judgments, the same desires, the same guilt. why are we doing this to ourselves?
and in spite of life showing us daily what we are doing to ourselves; in spite of each one suffering within our own spite - we repeat the same spiteful patterns again and again.

we must be stupid.

or, we haven´t yet realized who we are -we haven´t realized we are responsible for what we´re experiencing, we haven´t realized we are able to stop, to actually really stop -completely; to set the point of no return and never look back.
we haven´t realized what we have allowed ourselves to become and what we´ve accepted our reality to be -and we haven´t realized who we really are: what remains when all thoughts and inner struggles, all spitefulness and fear is removed.

LIFE - can we define Life?
is the ocean life or the fish? is the tree life or the leaves?
does the fish perceive itself as separate from the ocean?
does the leaf perceive itself as separate to the tree?
does the fish think `I AM fish´?
does the leaf think `I AM leaf´?


what is our demise?
isn´t it the great "I AM"?
(as ourselves in perceived superiority or as a ´god´/deity out there whereby we perceive ourselves as inferior)
do we live or are we busy becoming/maintaining an "I AM"?
do we exist as Life? or do we merely exist as interpretations of Life?
does Life think "I AM life?"

in a process called evolution we have become our own demise. and we are so proud of our evolution: I AM EVOLVING. I AM ASCENDING. I AM becoming better/higher/more valuable.

as "I AM´s" we separate ourselves from Life, from ourselves and from each other.
we want to be different, special; Life is apparently not good enough.

does a tree think ´i would prefer to be a fish, a fish is better, it can swim´?
does the leaf think ´i want to be an apple, an apple looks so nice and round and red...´?
does the apple think ´thank god i am not a leaf, it must be horrible to be so thin and green, so vulnerable to the wind... i am stronger...´?
does the fish think ´thank god i am the fish moving within the ocean, imagine being the ocean and having to make space for millions of fish... it´s a privilege to be the fish... i am divine...´?

that sounds stupid?
yes, and yet that is how human logic operates.



self-definition is limitation.
self-definition is separation.
self-definition is judgment in terms of polarity: good and bad, more and less, worthy-unworthy.
self-definition in separation from self as Life is the cause and effect of spitefulness -an infinite cycle of spite.


we have replaced the only real value: Life/´I´ -with perceived values as self-definitions/´I AM´-personalities in separation from Life, from who we really are.
Life cannot be judged in terms of good-bad, more-less; all Life is equal.

we humans seem to have a problem with equality. we do not live as equals as Life.
we are the problem. we can be the solution: as EQUALITY, as LIFE.

LIFE will be HERE when no more I AM´s walk around defending/justifying/imposing their own private bubbles of spite; LIFE will be HERE when ALL I´s SEE ALL as EQUAL as ONE: as LIFE.
zillions of unique expressions, equal as Life in HONOR of SELF and each other as EQUALs as LIFE.