My experience with FRIENDSHIP (and re-defining Friendship)

[Bella B.]

When I look at my life I see that I have only been able to be self-honest and direct with very few people which I considered `special´ to me - `special friends´.

I had not known of Self-trust - and thus I had `experienced´ trust as something separate from me, something that is only in relation to another. I had not known of Self-expression - and thus I had `experienced´ expression only in relation to another.

By doing so, Self-trust did not exist, Self-expression did not exist as me. Trust and expression would vary according to who I was with and what my relationship to that person was.

By only having the few `special friends´ I had - whom I often wouldn´t see for long time - I spent much time alone and developed a different personality/state of being when alone compared to when with other people.

With the time, breath by breath, I manifested like a protection-wall around me: `my space´. This is a construct I have existed as and only recently became aware of - and I will be writing about it as I de-construct and Self-forgive.


I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to fear another as me.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment/rejection/abandonment by another as me.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to judge/reject/abandon myself as Life.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from Life.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from me Here.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what was Here as me.



Looking at `special friends´ / `Friendship´:

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to define Friendship as `doing each-other favors´.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to define Friendship as `I accept you so that you accept me so that none of us has to change´.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to define Friendship as `I act in a way that makes people like me so that I may feel liked/loved/appreciated/worthy´.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to define Friendship as `special´ - define the `friend´ as special so that I can be `special´to that friend.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to define Friends as `those who understand me´ - instead of realizing that the `understanding´/`compassion´/`validation´ I experience is not towards Self as who I really am - but towards the persona of me which I created/manifested/projected through my words and actions, for others to `like´/`appreciate´/`love´ me.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate another as `friend´ so that I can feel better about myself / so that I can feel ´worthy´.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to define Friendship as `satisfying each-other´s needs/wants/desires = which is satisfying the system-constructs of each-other.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to define Friendship as `being considerate´- when in fact what is taken into consideration is a being´s program/constructs/patterns/predictable reactions - and not the actual being as Life.



Re-define Friendship:

I see that friendship as defined and manifested and played-out in this world cannot exist in Self-Honesty as Life.
I see that within and as Equality & Oneness as Life, no being can be more special than another, no being=Life can be regarded as `more than´ or `less than´ another.
I see that us human beings need to establish equal&one relationship to all and everything in our worlds - taking into consideration that equality&oneness begins within and self - thus in order for friendship or love or agreement to exist and to stand the test of time: self-trust, self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-responsibility, self-direction as Life must be established = practically actually accomplished and proven to Self.

In seeing this - I see that I cannot see the word `friendship´ in any other definition than the matrix-definition as I applied Self-Forgiveness on.

Perhaps one can define a `friend´ as someone who is `close to me´, meaning someone I have been through a lot together and `know well´ - yet this does not justify for friends to be treated differently.

Yet in the saying "a person is `close to´me" reveals a closed-system which indicates again the Matrix-definition of the word `friendship´, wherein beings lock themselves into a `friendship´: where what is actually `supported´ is each-other´s personalities/constructs/programs - a closed system that `stands stable´ and within such `stability´ supports the one System as Consciousness, because no change is allowed.


I realize that all beings must be equally regarded/treated/assisted - as Life is equally in all Beings. The practical implications thereby may vary in expression to be equal and one as the being I am facing as myself - meaning: not accepting within another what I am not willing to accept within myself; also the point of sharing with another what I see -even if that means they´re gonna `hate me´ for a moment.

In Self-Honesty I can see no `friendship´ - I can only see Agreement - an Agreement with myself as Life, to amalgamate all as one as equal Here, to live so that I regard/look at/treat/assist all beings equally.
Within this, no `special beings´ can exist - nor beings that can be treated as if they had `special needs´ as for example `friends´ or people one `must feel sorry for´.



I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to expect from my `friends´ to feel sorry for me and `support´ me - perceiving that if someone feels sorry for me then that means they care for me - when in fact I didn´t want to take self-responsibility or didn´t believe I was able to.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to expect `my friends´ to serve my self-pityful personality.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within self-pity and powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to ´serve´ others whom I call friends according to what they perceive to `need´ from me - so that I feel worthy/better about myself.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to make `friends´ out of people I ´felt sorry for´ - again so that I may `do something for them´ so that I can validate my existence.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for another - instead of realizing that within that I was placing another as inferior.
WIthin this I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to `take responsibility´ for another as apparently `inferior´ to me - so that I may feel `superior´ and thus worthy of existing, while not allowing the other person to take responsibility for themselves and stand.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to serve others according to what I perceive they ´need´ from me - because "I would otherwise be judged as a bad/unkind/inconsiderate person".

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to serve others - instead of realizing that my ´service´ does not serve Life, but serves system-constructs of another as of myself.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to serve others - instead of realizing that my ´service´ does not serve Life, but serves my self-interest as a persona of a good/kind/considerate being.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to perceived as good/kind/considerate.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to act like a good/kind/considerate being - instead of realizing the actual reason for doing so = which is to get ´appreciation´/´validation´ because I haven´t yet allowed myself to accept and embrace myself.

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed myself to accept myself as self-worth here.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to `serve´ others so that I may feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed myself to see the self-dishonesty within that.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within that point.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being /judged regarded as unkind/inconsiderate.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to seek for validation through my actions - wanting to be more/better/nicer so that I may be ´accepted´, ´appreciated´ and ´validated´ as a kind/nice/considerate being.

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed myself to realize that within being what I regard as ´considerate´, I am actually supporting others in living out their system construct as personalities, and then I can justify myself doing the same.

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed myself to be self-honest - and that I haven´t allowed myself to realize that within being self-honest might sometimes for instance entail saying ´no´ - and that within saying `no´: I would actually assist another to face their constructs/acceptances/consequences and take self-responsibility = having a chance to actually change.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to be concerned with how other people regard me - instead of realizing that only within and as absolute Self-Honesty am I able to truly actually assist another as Self.