Pain and Blame

[Cvetanova]

Years ago while stadied, I collapsed on my first visit in the operating room, but I stood still in the mortuary. I guess it sounds cynically. Then I spent 15 years working in a Surgical ward, facing life and death every single day.

I still do.

A woman with a mental disease ignited herself - died 72 hours after; 11 years old boy with a bowels cancer - teaching his mother how to pray - died 40 days after the opperation; a 26 years old pregnant woman with a first baby - came with mild contractions, found out an awful cancer is spread all around her body - lost the baby and died 23 days after the admission; 14 years old girl fell from her bycicle and that caused a brain injury, that left her immobile for the rest of her life; one of my closest friends for years - was brought on one of my night duties bitten to death from her husband, who btw shot himself right after the beating - she died 2 hours after arriving, he - 2 weeks after...

I can go on and go on and go on...So much pain...

Coming back home - sodden man, taking me for granted and treating me as an adjunct, family - worning me once I'm married to a man, there is no place for me back to them in ANY case - dead or alive, kids on my arms...So much pain...



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist instead to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the rest of the people for the pain I or they experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame happenings for the pain in the world surrounding me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think aboutwhat a lack of luck I have in my 'life'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the time, the religions, the sociaty for the state of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the life for the whole PAIN I witnessed.



I stop now, I breath and I take the whole responsibility for every single happeneing in my life. It's my responsibility to let experience all the pain. I stand as equal as one as life!

I am a breath!